My Thoughts

I Wish Silence

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I am on a journey of quest. I am a protege of life
In this lesson of pilgrim-hood
I am blessed or cursed to live in an era when it has never been more important to know
What you are prepared to live, die or be hated for
Making time count, not waste is what I’m all about
I woke up one day and youth was gone but the child in me remained
I sought the words to capture the essence of all I knew, saw and felt
But strangely, words failed me and that was the beginning of that which haunts me perennially
Life. So, don’t judge me for you will never truly know me
I know not myself even.

From the day of my beginnings I’ve been discovering me and being discovered by me
My heart beats for that which is greater than words can define
Greater than words could ever interpret
So, listen but realise it’s not all about my words
It is beyond them
It is about mind, soul, spirit, life, death
It is about the thoughts and experiences they evoke
It is about the choices we make in the face of all we seek and all we are confronted with.

It is about sadness and joy
It is about justice and the absence of it
It is about anguish, pain and grief
It is about timeliness and untimeliness
It is about lost opportunities and regrets
It is about laughter and tears
It is about love and hatred
It is about freedom and slavery
It is about self-love and self-hate
It is about anger and temperance
It is about kindness and compassion
It is about cruelty and rejection
It is about brokenness and wholeness
It is about hubris and humility
It is about poverty and wealth
It is about hunger and deprivation
It is about torment and despair
It is about oppression and subjugation
It is about truth and deception
It is about strength and weakness
It is about war and peace
It is about success and failure
It is about obstacles and overcoming them
It is about folly and wisdom
It is about having more than you need and less than you should
It is about life and death
It is about temporality and eternity
It is about me and you (or is it you and me)?

A life time of living through
Yet what little words to convey them with
I brim, I churn but simply have scant words to interpret with
Language imposes futile words on me I have no choice but to use
Yet justice is not served by the use of mere words. In fact it never is
What’s in a word, a phrase or a sentence?
What’s in a paragraph or even a book?
It is all just words. Inadequacies overwhelm me
The child within me constantly grapples. Eternal idealist that I ever will be
Who will explain my quandary to me?
I strive to conform to everyone’s notion of normal
But what is normal refuses to conform to who I am.
Should I care? Where do I begin? You call me deep? I am deeper.

Time will tell, even, time will indeed end
But the things I feel never will.
No depths of laughter or tears exist to convey the burden of soul-stirrings that lack the words to give them vent
If I were to laugh out my depths it would cause ripples atop all oceans.
I would laugh out all my joys and the joys of every man, woman and child that ever was.
That’s how much laughter I have in me
The endless kind. Not just words.

If I were to dance out my depths, I would dance to every tune ever inspired on the strings of an instrument or on the chords of a vocalist
That’s how much dance I have in me.
The endless kind. Not just words.
If I were to cry out my depths, I would shed tears for me
I would shed tears for the hurt of every man, woman, child that ever was
My tears would surpass the depths of all the oceans combined.
That’s how much tears I have in me.
The endless kind. Not just words.
You catch my drift now?
I couldn’t laugh, dance or cry enough to match the depths
To match the depths of what I am, what I see, what I feel, what I have known
It is all within me

Like the splintered contrasts of beautifully patterned mosaic
I am as broken as I am made whole; yet the Holy book tells me I was made perfect
Even before I knew perfection
But the perfection I seek remains elusive
I am a soul in quest and my life’s journey is about seeking this perfection
That I may gaze upon its beauty and lose my imperfections in its wholeness
Until then I must make do with just words
Despite everything I know about life being more than any words can relay
I remain bound by limits
Seeing that words fail me, I wish silence would speak up for me.

From ‘Poems of a Deep Kind’
by Kobi Emmanuella-King

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